Sometimes it actually feels good to cave. When you spend so much time telling yourself that you’re this productive & capable dynamite of a person and you just want to always say the right things, do the right things and be the right person, you’re setting yourself up for failure at the first sign of distress. It might not happen all at once, it could be a slow burn, but you will break down. That’s why you have to recognize your weaknesses.
I wouldn’t recommend this to people struggling with depression or clinical mental health issues–see a doctor if you are having thoughts of self harm. However, sometimes I need to admit to myself that I don’t feel 100%. Be that 100% confident, secure, happy, whatever.
Instead of putting a slew of (additional) disclaimers and defending my position as not one of self-pity, I’ll spare you the words. This blog is here to be a sounding board for thoughts I deem important & worthy of reflecting on in the years to come. So here goes.
As someone who spends so much time being emotionally strong not only to get through the day as a successful human being, but to be supportive for my friends and family going through relatively worse situations, it’s completely foreign to me to reach out for help.
In the past, reaching out for help hasn’t really ended well for me. Most of the time my audience was either completely unreceptive or rejected the idea that I even truly needed help. It was disheartening, but such is life. So, I decided to not rely on other people for my well-being. So far, that’s worked really well for me. However, in addition to feeling independent and strong, I feel like I can’t be vulnerable. I can’t admit that sometimes I don’t have it all together.
Though recently (as in the past 3 years or so) I’ve been a bit more open with my family & close friends in sharing my deep-seated insecurities. Things that I didn’t even admit to myself for so long. And it felt good. I didn’t focus on the fact that talking about my insecurities might actually illuminate them. That’s probably mainly because I fully and rightfully trusted these wonderful people. So, part of it is reminding myself that I do have the creme de la creme of loved ones (now). And learning to trust them.
But a bigger part of it is knowing that it is my downfalls and flaws that connect me to other humans. Nobody can connect with a perfect person who has their world figured out. Because that person does not exist. I never thought that I strived for perfection, but not showing my cracks and not being vulnerable is a form of perfection. And I’m not interested in keeping up appearances.
So, why is this important? Because I need to remember to be open with insecurities. At least with myself if not with others. If I don’t acknowledge something to myself, there’s no way to move forward from it. Yeah, I can put on a smile and try to help everyone else through their lives but it means nothing if I’m not growing alongside.
There it is. The first step–admitting a weakness within myself. Then we can move onto improvement. However, I think I can stay in the admittance stage for a bit. Sometimes it’s just nice to wallow (just a bit!) and do the small things that make you happy alone. I’ll get back on the horse when I do.
Photo Credit to my friend Ruoxi. This was from our mini photoshoot at the Houston Public Library in Montrose (GORGEOUS right??) to announce that I’m moving to London in March. Yes! I’m going to get my MBA & work for Thomson Reuters. And I have never felt this content with a decision I’ve made. CHUFFED, if you will.